Those judging eyes

When I was a small kid I would never talk to people. My family and relatives would try very hard to make me speak, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to say a lot and do a lot, but everything would end up being said and done in my mind, no wonder I had many imaginary friends. Many bystanders have also observed this phenomenon discreetly  and have told me that I would show signs  which included a slightly opened mouth, staring into the void and a very questionable demeanor of a lack of expression. Does that make sense? I would most of the time embarrass my parents by sitting opposite in a chair from our table in the restaurants to see what others were eating and how they chewed their food. But people in the restaurant thought I am being starved by my parents and now I am drooling over their food. I feel bad for my parents,but all I wanted was to observe everything and was inquisitive towards human behavior. Time passed by, And I started for school and looking back there are many things I wish I had a do-over.

We, as humans, judge people fast, and most of the time it is through our physical appearance and sometimes the way we speak or sometimes on the basis of being able to/not able to connect with. I was bullied several times in school and if you don’t know what bullying means,  it is being taunted and made fun of by anybody around you, verbally, physically or mentally to prove their dominance over the other . I was pinched on my thighs by a senior girl almost every day in school bus for a year, I was told I was boring by a girl in my class, I was told I look weird by a boy in my college, I was asked about a scar I have by a girl everyday for a week in the morning when I entered the class and then she and her friends would laugh about it. I had one of my math teacher tell me that I have no brain (which I don’t blame her, I was awful at it but that doesn’t justify her speaking to her student like that and it is not a constructive criticism either.) Anyway, I am sure all of us had to deal with such callous bullying and negativity at one point of time or the other. For some it is the past and they brush it off and move on stronger than ever. Kudos to all those brave hearts. And then there are people like me. The fear of not being accepted as one of them haunts you for the rest of your life. The fear to go out and meet new people gives you sleepless nights. The fear to approach people and have a conversation is something you will dread. My stage fear is something anybody who knows me will know of. If I wanted I could have asked my teachers for help, but I was scared of confrontations too. So I would try to avoid going to school on a presentation day and would try to be invisible as far as I can. I have not looked people in the eye while speaking to them fearing a harsh judgement. Doing all that, I was told by many that I am reserved, shy, quiet, boring and dull.

Things being said, I have improved drastically the past couple of years. I don’t constantly live to please people and I don’t stay in fear of getting hurt by others. I have a good circle of family, friends and acquaintances and have eliminated the rest from my life. I remember, once I failed a math paper (There are many such happy moments.) and I was crying my eyes out when my dad and mom entered the room to figure out what happened. As I showed them the report card, I remember my father looking at the report card and telling me it is just an exam and you will do much better the next time(which I didn’t). He also told me a dialogue from an old Hindi classic movie, Sholay “Jo darr gaya, samjho woh mar gaya”, It means “Those who live in fear, it is equivalent to being dead”. He would tell me little tricks to be stronger whenever I am down. It really helped me over-come many difficult times.

Bullying, Negativity, Body shaming and many more of such issues are dealt by everyone from an younger age and the root cause does not start from the victim, but from the bully itself. When that girl  pinched me in the school bus I did not know why she did that at that particular point of time, but now when I look back she might have had a very negative experience in life to treat another as an inferior to her or show her power upon someone. When the bullies say or do something mean to somebody, they feel powerful and dominant and that keeps them going on in life and let’s them pretend as if their life is perfect. I have heard somebody say, “You should treat others, like how you would treat yourself.” The World would be a much better place if we all do that to one another.

I don’t want to give any pep talk (what was I doing till now then??), however there are many ways in which you can be happier and live a positive life, first and foremost love yourself for whom you are and then eliminating negative people from your life and surrounding yourself with people you love. It never hurt to have a good sense of humor or to be kind either. Start making a list of things you would love to do before you die and read books or find a hobby that you enjoy and most importantly let us all refrain from judging each other. If a girl is not your type don’t be friends with her but be nice to her. If a guy is reserved and you think he has an attitude problem, maybe he is shy and he doesn’t know how to initiate a conversation. If a girl is left alone to have lunch in her class, join her for lunch one day and see what difference it would make to her. If a guy is hanging out with girls, stop shaming him with names and join the group or just mind your business. And If somebody is being mean to you on your face, please show them the door.

Okay now I am going to irritate you all with some posters 🙂