Introspective.

I remember during my childhood, I would accompany my brother to go upstairs to our home because he was too scared to go alone in the darkness. He would give me money or offer some treats so that I’ll protect him or he can simply run away IF any ghost attacked him. So basically, a 6 year old was a bodyguard to a 10 year old and looking back, I terribly miss that 6 year old girl who did not give a shit about ghosts, studies and anybody or anything in her life for that matter. I was completely detached from the human world and was disturbingly quiet and extremely calm for my age.

Then I grew up. I’ve become extremely dependent on people that I die a little bit inside every time I think somebody dislikes me. The need to be approved and liked by everyone has become a powerful part of me that I forgot what I wanted to be In the first place. I started becoming the kind of person that everybody could relate to because otherwise I assumed I would get rejected for being something else. Now, I’ve become the person who cannot stand a rejection let alone face any obstacles. Whenever I’m faced with a problem, I panic to such an extend that I repel all the good humans around me who wants to help and surround myself with self-pity which also involves me rolling around the ground and blaming it on somebody who is the most unreliable source, God. That is neither a solid solution to the problem, nor a healthy way of dealing with stress. I’ve also stopped watching horror movies around 5 years back and for a person who has binge watched kill bill at the age of 12 to becoming the whining wuss during a hunger games movie is just extreme. And in the near present I’ve become the most annoying cry baby ever to live with. When I was a kid, I rarely cried in front of my parents and I was proud of the fact that nobody can hurt me and even if they did, I was never the one to show that it affected me. I was strong and stubborn and now I’ve become the weakest and the most sensitive idiot who shed tears while watching an 8 year old sing in a talent show.

This is it. I’m a 27 year old who has no clue about her identity and has no idea who she will turn out to be. But when I think about that small kick ass girl I used to be, I wish I had not changed. But why did I change? It might be because of the environment I grew up in, it might be the people around me or it was even an inevitable change everybody goes through at one point of time in their lives. In fact, when you think about it, nobody is the small kid that they used to be, however, knowing the kind of person you have become and reflecting on it will always make you realize where you stand in your life.

I might be sensitive, I might be gullible, I might be weak, I might be dependent, but looking forward, I see somebody understanding their weakness and strength and working everyday relentlessly to be a better person. This is an introspective on my life and honestly, even though nothing has changed in me, I see hope. I see that in the future, I’ll have experiences in life that would make me stronger, I’ll go through the hardships that would make me more sensible and most importantly I’ll go through many beautiful moments to be grateful for everything I have. And one day I’ll be that brave little girl again, who can walk into a dark room and own it. One day.

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This post has been extremely selfish and boring since I wanted to write down everything I felt about growing up so that  in the near future I can look back and mainly feel humiliated for writing this. I’ve been away for a while and there are so many excuses I’ve made up in my mind that I shall write about it in another post. And also, I’ve made a rather instantaneous promise to myself that I’ll write a post everyday including my doodle, which a lot of you have been asking for 🙂 Thank you for the love.