A letter to my grandmother

To my dear Ammuma,

The first time I met you and appupa(grandfather), it was during those days when I was left with you both by my parents while they went for work. I dont remember how old I was at that time, but I had alot of insecurities, i mean ALOT of them such as what is my identity, who are my real parents, why was I adopted, why have they adopted me and why have they left me with strangers to take care of me so that they can roam around romancing. YUP! That is what I used to interpret my life at that point of time and I can confidently say that I was brainwashed by my own brother regarding few of them, but I shall talk about my amazing brother exclusively in another post. So basically I felt you both were paid to take care of me.  Faith has it, I really started liking you and infact grew rather fond of you, Lalitha a.k.a Ammuma(lovely name you have, did you know that?) Well, You were lovelier than your name.

Growing up I know you had to go through many problems including not having proper food to eat, no good clothes and it was the same for all your siblings as well. Then you got married to grandpa at a very VERY early age, like almost all of you in that generation and led a consistently normal life. I dont think grandpa was the romantic, charming sort of guy either, because I remember when you both walk together there is always a five hundred meter distance and I always received birthday cards signed just by him. I also remember one day you called me to tell me that he came to my place without letting you know, otherwise you would have come too. So I know you did not live a fairy tale life and the cherry on top was having three kids at such a young age, I mean you were just twenty three years old when you went through all that. Then your kids started making babies and you started helping them out. I am still not able to digest the fact that you lived your entire life living for others. How did you manage?? You have a big heart, ammuma.

You were so tall and had  the most innocent smile but you still refused to take pictures with me because you assumed you are not pleasant looking. When I visit you, I will get the most delicious food ever, even your daughter cannot compete with that and remember whenever I am busy hogging your food, you will come behind me and slowly take all the open hair and make a plait. Why? Because you though while eating food one must  not keep it open. You are so cute and for me to let you touch my hair when everyone is scared to, proves how much I love you. 🙂 Then there are times I see you laugh watching your favourite movies without any inhibitions and literally the whole sofa would start shaking. Your laugh was infectious and I swear it still rings in my head. You loved watching movies whenever you could and I can’t forget the time we went for a movie together and you were so happy that day. You would also be elated when I give you a piece of chocolate or maggie that sometimes I felt like you were more of a friend to me. Sometimes. I think your love for reading also proved you were a kick-ass woman.

Then I started growing up and the visits were slowly decreasing and whenever I do visit, I would be greeted with a huge name call and a big hug. And you remember how you would sit next to me and listen to everything I speak diligently and at the same time would start touching my hair, my ear lobes, my face, and slowly you would reach to my hands and nails and just admire them. I know there was nothing special to admire, but you clearly loved me too. Infact you loved all your kids and grand kids equally. That is the best part about you, I am sure everyone of us would affirm to it. You were a fair lady and you gave love to all and everyone. For me, you were the first person I felt who loved me truly and unconditionally for who I am that nobody can ever replace you.

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“You will be okay soon ammuma”
You nodded looking at me.
“Dont worry okay?”
You nodded again.

Truth be told, I could not look at you for a longer time, so we decided to leave and before that I gave a quick turn to see you again and I saw that you were looking out of the window, in absolute blankness. You were definitely scared, who wouldn’t be? Then I went back to Bangalore again and within few weeks you left us and went far away. I know it happened the night before new year’s eve and my brother came to attend the funeral and I didn’t. I went numb ammuma, and I decided that I do not want to see you in that condition and all I wanted was good memories with you. I told myself that and remained in Bangalore eventhough I could have come and paid you the last respect. But I did not come and I think I was being selfish. I don’t know  if that was a good decision on my part or not, because there are times I wish I saw you one more time but the fact that you have gone and almost all my memories with you have become painful rather than being the happy ones makes me regret the decision. I hope nobody makes a mistake like that because it will eventually turn into guilt and you can’t do anything about it. I am sorry I didn’t come see you one more time but when I close my eyes and think of you ammuma, I see you smiling with open arms, waiting to hug me.

Love you always,